Weirdo

How the Stuff Happens (A Lesson In My Brain)

For people who do not comprehend exactly *why* it has been so hard for me to implement the Shopping Ban consistently, or why exactly the Stuff seems to be so needed, here is a little insight into how my brain works.  I'm not saying this isn't flawed thinking -  but it's presented here for insight on how the Stuff happens.  This illustration of my sometimes-awful thought processes should explain why this is Shopping Ban is a difficult exercise for me, for better or worse.   And hopefully reassure someone reading this, who might think similarly, that they are not alone.

For the past few weeks, part of my brain (Brain Part 1) has been saying this to me: "We need new sandals for when we're camping and swimming.  Our flip flops always fall off, so we need new sandals.  Remember how much it hurt when we had to struggle across barnacled rocks at Porteau Cove?  And then when we were in the water our flip flops came right off and floated away and we had to go chasing them.  Maybe we should get some Tevas since they're all the rage again.  Those would be cool.   And they're trendy so people will think we are trendy!  We always feel good when people compliment us!  Then our feet will not be hurt when we walk across rocky beaches,  we can swim without worrying about our flip flops floating away, and people will think we are super cool and then they want to be friends with us or maybe think we're cute.  We may be the most unattractive person on the beach but we can have the coolest shoes.  If we have the coolest shoes, people might not notice all the other things that are wrong with us, like how we love being alone and don't suffer fools gladly and are impatient and feel insecure and shy around people but still want to be the centre of attention and come on too strong when we just want to be a part of things and belong.  Maybe people won't notice our frizzy hair and wrinkly skin and peeling nose and horrible chubby arms and just see our cool shoes.  Maybe strangers maybe won't comment on our size, for once (because that always seems to happen.  Why does that always happen? Why do people say that stuff to strangers?!). Yeah, that's the ticket.  Get the Tevas. "

So Brain Part 1 says: convenience, comfort, coolness - and added bonus armour protection against hurtful people judging us or figuring out how awful we really are? This isn't a want, it's a need!  Green light, people!  This is the deal of the century!  $65 for inner peace!

But part of my brain hasn't completely forgotten the Shopping Ban.  So then Brain Part 2 wades in and goes:  "OK, 1, but - don't we have water shoes?  Remember that time we went to Mexico with our friends?  We bought water shoes for that fun day we went exploring in the jungle and the cenotes.  We should just wear those in the water.  No need to go buy the Tevas."

Brain Part 1 replies, "Yeah, but the Tevas are COOL.  There's nothing COOL about water shoes. People might think we're uncool and we are DEFINITELY COOL, right? We need people to think we're cool.  And also? Our bathing suit this year is a super cute pink and navy bikini with PINEAPPLES on it and cool parrots.  Those water shoes are black and red.  They so don't match.  People will notice they don't match and then they will notice all the other not-so-perfect-and-in-fact- terrible-unloveable things about us too.  DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!"

 The super cute parrots-and-pineapples bikini.  Not a hint of red or black to be seen.

The super cute parrots-and-pineapples bikini.  Not a hint of red or black to be seen.

Brain 2 replies: THEY DON'T MATCH? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? We're going to the beach with people we love, we get to go swimming which is our favourite thing ever, and you're telling me that the fact that our shoes don't match might ruin any fun we have today?

Brain 1:  Yeah.  And I will genuinely feel uncomfortable and like something is not right if our beach shoes don't match our suit. We have a reputation to uphold.  We are stylish, we are always put together.  We have the best outfits.  Then people can't call us slobby, or ugly, or fat, or bossy or unlikeable.  Because we're stylish and cool.  

Brain 2:  *heavy sigh*

---

So.  That's usually how this would go, and Brain 1 would win, and we'd go buy the Tevas, and feel good again, until the next thing came up that we needed.

This weekend, I let Brain 2 do some of the heavy lifting.  

I was going to the beach with two of my favourite people. Yes. This was true.  The shoe dilemma was still bothering me.  This was also true.  It didn't matter that I was hanging out with the two people who would judge me least for my shoes.  I couldn't stand that the shoes didn't match. But I just let myself sit with the discomfort.  Brain 1 was screaming, but I tuned 1 out as much as I could.   

And when I didn't give in to 1, what I found was, Brain 2 got creative.  Brain 2 was looking for something, anything, to shut Brain 1 up.  

Brain 1 (anxious and uncomfortable and mad all at the same time and just unhappy): WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIL let's just stay home where everything is OK always.  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIL.

Brain 2 (looking frantically for anything to shut Brain 1 up): Shut up shut up shut up.  OH HEY LOOK, 1!  Look what I found! Our boat shoes!  They are pink! And green!  And perfectly match our suit!

Brain 1 (sniffling):  Oh, yeah.  Those are cute.  I forgot we had those.

 The boat shoes.  That perfectly match our suit.

The boat shoes.  That perfectly match our suit.

So, 2 found a solution.  It took some time, and some battling.  And, part of my brain which you haven't met here but I promise actually exists, Brain 3, which is super practical and smart and stubborn and logical, brought both sets of shoes to the beach just in case.  3 resolutely put on those damn water shoes and frolicked in the ocean and said fuck it, we're at the beach with the girls, who gives a shit, and had a grand old time.  And no one noticed that the water shoes didn't match our suit.  2 was happy to have stuck to the Shopping Ban.  And Brain 1, while not completely satisfied, felt comfortable enough to have fun and enjoy the day.

 Red and black shoes quickly became so sandy that you couldn't tell what colour they were.  

Red and black shoes quickly became so sandy that you couldn't tell what colour they were.  

So, that battle, between Brain 1 and Brain 2 and Brain 3 and any gosh darn other voices that are there in my head (I wish it was more like a soap-opera multiple personality disorder but it's not - they're all me), is what goes on, every day, all day.  Sometimes, the Stuff happens because 1 is a whiny little insecure child that just needs to be comforted and knows no other way, and 2, 3 and whoever else can't figure out another way to give that comfort, so they give in, because it's easy.  

But this is what the Shopping Ban was all about.  It's about doing the not-easy thing, and about finding other ways to feel joy and comfort and confidence and acceptance.   

But dammit, does it get loud inside my head sometimes.  

Half Way Through the Shopping Ban. Or, How I Utterly Failed at the Shopping Ban.

So, I lasted until the end of February.  

Up until then, I'd been really focused on the three "goals" of the Year of Enough, which are:

  1. I've had enough -  I want to contribute to positive change in our world. 
  2. I have enough -  I need to learn to be mindful with how I spend my money and in my consumption of things.
  3. I am enough - I don't need stuff, or accomplishments, more money, or less weight, to be a worthy, lovable, person.

I really focused on my goals.  I volunteered my time with the Canadian Cross-Border Legal Coalition, and hung out at the airport providing pro bono advice to people affected by Trump's Muslim ban.  I went to marches.  I joined the Conservative political party just so I could have a say in their leadership contest and help thwart racist politicians like Kellie Leitch becoming their leader and potentially Trump 2.0.  I realized how tired I was from shows and started saying no to auditions, something I haven't done since 2010 because I've been so terrified of being forgotten or losing my right to identify as an artist.  I went on a lovely holiday to Maui and resisted the urge to shop.    I felt like I was really living my goals.

But then, the "stuff" started to creep back in.   The Ban disappeared, without me even consciously knowing it had disappeared. It's taken me forever to write about this,  because I'm still not really sure why it happened, but it became important to me to say that the Ban has, for the past several months, been a failure. 

I had a big life change in the beginning of February when I changed jobs.  I went from an office where I didn't feel understood or appreciated, where there was little socializing, to my dream job, in terms of the work, people and culture.  My job went from being a place that I went for 7.5 hours a day to being the centre of my life, in a very positive way.  I suddenly felt more supported and happy in my professional life than I ever had before.  I'd found my "forever" job.   

You'd think being so happy would make it easier to stick to my goals, but it hasn't made it easier.  Every day I have wonderful people tell me that I'm OK.  That I'm more than OK, I'm pretty great, and a valued member of the team.   I feel like I belong.  I feel accepted.  So suddenly the need to change hasn't seemed so urgent.  Maybe that's a positive.  It probably is.   But it's also caused me to get lazy with my goals.

That initial feeling of joy and belonging is how the Stuff first happened:  I shopped in celebration.  I was happy, joyful, even, in my new role, and shopping is a way that I celebrate.  So, that seemed OK by me.   Treating myself to a new outfit to celebrate a new beginning felt fine.  I was liked, so I liked myself, so I deserved the Stuff.   The reasons for the Stuff had changed: it was less about making myself feel better about myself, my life, or the world, and more to treat myself, show myself "love", to reflect the love and acceptance I was feeling in my life. 

But the Stuff has started creeping in not just for positive, encouraging reasons.   It's a convoluted explanation, but stay with me. 

While this career move has been a joyous one, it's created some change in my life that has caused some stress that I think I'm only really starting to process.   IMPORTANT IMPORTANT NOTE: This stress is almost entirely self-inflicted.  It's not that my new bosses are suddenly insisting on certain things that are stressing me out.  They have high but reasonable expectations, and don't ask me to do anything that they don't do themselves.   And more than that, they genuinely care about me and my well being.  It's just that I, as usual, want to throw myself in and do a good job, make them happy, and go above and beyond, so everything feels very high stakes, very do-or-die. As a result, there are changes that I have made to meet expectations - my own, or perceived expectations, which are maybe not the healthiest choices for me.

For instance, I used to work from home quite a bit (and least one day a week, since 2011), and go home for lunch every day.  Being able to go home for a healthy lunch but also do a little meal prep for a healthy dinner, and maybe tidy up around my house (as tidiness and order are a big part of my mental wellness), was great. Working from home one day a week allowed me to throw on loads of laundry while I worked on my laptop.  At my new job, I'm in the office full time, 5 days a week.  While my most recent previous gig was usually finished by 4:30 or 5 at the latest, I'm staying much later at work now, and working through lunch, which is quite a common practice in my new office.  So the time I had every day to do some of the mundane things I need to do to help me feel calm and healthy, is gone.  It is really only a small increase in working hours, but its impact currently feels huge.  I'm often working through the hours I would normally go to my TRX gym, for instance.  Or, something will happen at work and I'll stick around and miss the class I reserved.  As it's a small gym, you get charged if you miss a class you reserved, so rather than getting charged for classes I wasn't making, I just...stopped reserving.  After a busy day surrounded by people in our open plan office, this introvert is often exhausted, and the thought of going home to meal plan and cook Whole30 meals is the last thing I want to do, so I go home and eat what's easy.  It also means that weeknight socializing is almost impossible for me, because I'm just too tired.  Weekends feel more for sleep and recovering from the business of my week than going out, or putting my house in order.  Suddenly a lot of the healthy habits I've been working on for the past few years, in terms of doing the things I know I need to do in order to feel love for myself, seem very far away. 

To say that I am aware of the fact that I am not seeing friends as much, that my training regime has been thrown off, that my house isn't as tidy as I need, that I don't have as much time or energy to meal plan, is an understatement.  I carry around this awful feeling of failure about it, while at the same time still feeling the joy, satisfaction and excitement that I do about my job. The conflict between those two feelings is so, so uncomfortable. And rather than deal with it, because the effort seems overwhelming and I am still concentrating all of my energy on my new job, I need to medicate it, numb the discomfort.  I medicate with...the Stuff.  Shopping once again is the replacement for the workout.  It's a reassurance that I'm OK, even if I know I don't feel OK.

So, that's not the greatest thing.  And like I say - it's self-inflicted.  Which makes it actually feel worse, because there's nothing a perfectionist-in-recovery hates more than knowing that the not-so-great situation they find themselves in is entirely their own fault.  That they fucked up.  Because then you PUNISH YOURSELF MORE.    

That's why writing about what I've failed at and how it's made me feel is important for me, although it's excruciating.  I need to say I failed and not have the world collapse.  So. yeah.  I failed at the Shopping Ban.  In order for me to not fail at Goal #3 ("I Am Enough"), I have to be OK with having failed at the Shopping Ban.   I have to be OK with admitting my failure, picking myself back up, dusting myself off, and trying again.  Half of the year has gone by, but that means I have half of the year to centre, re-focus, and try to do better.  My goals haven't changed.   But my attitude needs an adjustment.

 

2017: The Year of Enough

My cousin Sarah and I often talk about what our annual "themes" will be for the coming year.  The idea is to set some goals related to that theme, that we can hold each other accountable for as the year progresses.  In one of our first years, we set a goal related to hours of exercise and number of kilometres clocked.  One year I focused on learning to love myself a little more.  Another year I focused on saying "yes" to things less often, to leave time to relax and recharge. 

I've been thinking hard about what 2017's theme will be.  I'll admit, it's been hard to be optimistic enough to even set a goal.  Maybe that's the seasonal depression talking, but boy, 2016 has been a dumpster fire of a year from my standpoint here on good  ol' planet Earth:  Trump.  Brexit.  The rise of the Alt-right.  Devastation in Aleppo.  Standing Rock.  Kinder-Morgan.  Zika.   Philando Castile's death live-streamed on Facebook.  An ongoing fentanyl crisis in our own backyard.   Terrorist attacks in too many places to name.  The earth warming up an alarming rate.  Freakin' David Bowie.   It's hard not to peer into the future of 2017 and see more of the same darkness.  It's hard not to feel helpless in the face of the challenges that we know are in store for us.

Enough is enough.  I am appalled at the direction this world is going, but I do not want to go down without a fight.  I want to take action.  I no longer want to feel numb to the injustices that happen down the street, or across the world.  So that's how I started thinking about 2017, as the Year of Action.  The problem was, where to start?  How do I change, and also help bring about change?  I'm just one insignificant person - how do I make a difference?  For me, one of the things I have realized I can do is understand how privileged I am,  at the opportunities I am afforded, and also learn to be content with what I have. 

I have always had two soothing or numbing behaviours in the face of fear, stress or pain:  food, and shopping.   One thing I am so grateful for this year is that I found the Whole 30 and eliminated most garbage food from my life.  I replaced junk food with exercise and good eating habits, became healthier, and lost a good amount of weight in the process.  That's an ongoing journey, one that will take time, but it's become a part of my life.  So, coping unhealthy mechanism number one, gone.

Which brings me to the shopping.  It's no secret I like nice things.  I love clothes, love dressing up, love making my home beautiful.  I'm a girly girl and a secret wannabe homemaker.  I collect books, retro housewares, pretty shiny things.  This year, when I took away food as a crutch, I found I was turning more and more to shopping as a cure for whatever uncomfortable emotion I was feeling.  If I felt it, it meant I deserved a new dress.  Or a new lipstick.  Or that new book.  If I didn't feel it - the confidence, the happiness, the love, that also meant I needed the new dress.   If I just got this one thing, I'd be perfect.  I'd be lovable.  I'd be happy.  I'd be worthy.   Most of the time, it worked.  The buying of the things worked.  Until one day, it didn't.

You see, I've become aware of the gross disconnect between my social conscience, which is increasingly loud in its concern for others, for our environment, and for building a world that is sustainable for us now and for our kids in the future, and my consumption of...well, stuff.    I live in a house of nice things.  I have a closet full of beautiful things to put on every day.  Why do I keep needing more?  And what do these things really add up to, in terms of a life well lived?  Will I be remembered, and do I want to be remembered, for having the cutest outfit, and the prettiest house, or for my actions, and the things I put out into the world?   When will I have enough?

So, the theme has become clear.  It's the Year of Enough:

  1. I've had enough -  I want to contribute to positive change in our world. 
  2. I have enough -  I need to learn to be mindful with how I spend my money and in my consumption of things.
  3. I am enough - I don't need stuff, or accomplishments, more money, or less weight, to be a worthy, lovable, person.  This one is my ongoing battle, against perfectionism, feelings of insecurity, of being different, incomplete somehow. Who I am and the good I do is enough.  

I have my theme.  In terms of concrete actions, there are a few things I am committing to:

  1. Community Work:  I'm going to make an active effort to offer more volunteer hours this year.  I've sat on boards for the past several years, and offered pro bono legal advice on an ad hoc basis when people really needed it.  I've contributed financially to charities.  I'll continue to do that, but I want to commit to actually offering myself to be of service to more organizations, in different ways, in 2017.  
  2. Shopping Ban:  Here's the big one guys.  I can't even believe I am saying this, but - I am committing to a Shopping Ban, in order to learn how to be more mindful with my money, and with my consumption.  I don't intend on giving away my possessions and becoming a minimalist - I like stuff too much for that - but I want to learn how to use and appreciate the stuff I've already got.  I'll be posting my Shopping Ban rules later, for more accountability, but this is gonna be a big one.  Big ups to Cait Flanders whose website, and Mindfulness Budget Journal, are a huge inspiration and resource for this endeavor. I don't know how long it'll last, if I will set a goal of three - six months or try to stick it out the whole year, but it's got to be a long enough challenge to do some real change to my current spending habits.
  3. Work on Me:  thetrial of learning to feel more worthy as a person continues.  I'm committing to devoting more time to my well-being, and not leaving this as the last priority on my to-do list.  I'm committing to building free time into my schedule, rather than filling my schedule to the brim with other commitments so that I don't have to sit with this stuff and work through it.  I'm building in the "me" time.

So, there's my 2017 for you.  It's the Year of Enough.  What does 2017 mean for you?

 

UK Update - GISHWHES and Snowdon

Last week I participated once again in

GISHWHES

- the Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen.  Created by Misha Collins (an actor most famous for his role on

Supernatural

), and raising money for the charity

Random Acts

, this video-and-photo hunt challenges people to move outside their comfort zone, attempt the impossible, and also perform random acts of kindness along the way.  I participated last year and this year, since I was going to be away from my team, I roped some colleagues in the UK into helping me.  It made for a fairly busy second week in Southampton, as I was arm wrestling movie theatre employees for tickets to

Guardians of the Galaxy

, creating art installations out of dishes (complete with artist statements), creating monuments to the founder of Rubber Gloves, Harris Packard, and dressing up co-workers as fish, the Flash and Batman for various ridiculous things.  

One of the major challenges on the list was to climb one of Table Mountain (South Africa), Mt. Fuji (Japan), Mt. Sinai (Egypt), Mt. Kilimanjaro (Tanzania), or Mt. Snowdon (Wales).  Being only a 5 hour drive from Wales, my paralegal Indy and I decided to give it a go, and got up very early last Friday morning to make the drive to Wales.

Wales (what I saw of it), was everything I hoped it would be.  Beautiful, idyllic, friendly, with sheep running everywhere...and don't forget the delicious, delicious Welsh cakes.  Snowdon was breathtakingly beautiful and we met up with several other teams at the summit, who we then walked back down the mountain with.  Without GISHWHES, I would never have gone to this beautiful place, or made new friends.  Plus it gave me like, 28,000 steps on my Fitbit for the day, which was rad.  

I wish we had stayed overnight, but instead we undertook the drive home, after getting down off the mountain at 9 pm or so.  We arrived home in the very early hours of Saturday morning, and I spent most of the weekend recovering, binge-watching Orphan Black and chilling out.  The remains of Hurricane Bertha hit Southampton last weekend, and you've never heard anything like the wind and rain that whistled around the flat all weekend. At one point the skylights in my flat, which is right on a pier, blew open and hail started pouring in.  I stumbled around the apartment on stiff-post-Snowdon legs, pushing the skylights back in with a pole, only to have them blow open again minutes later.  It was probably a comical sight, but I felt like I was in some sort of carnival game, trying to anticipate which one would blow open next.

I'm up in London now, which is obviously much more familiar turf.  I'm making a list of all the sights I was too lazy to see when I lived here, thinking I'd have all the time in the world, and am determined to check them all off before I leave in just over two weeks.  I am getting very homesick and lonely and at least this will give me something to do, rather than wallowing in those feelings.  I've also been asked to be a reviewer of submissions for some of the GISHWHES video tasks, which will keep me busy watching some of the craziness other GISHWHES teams around the world got up to.  So, lots to keep me distracted.  16 days until home.

I texted my brother to let him know I was in Wales. He made a joke about needing to get Welsh cakes and I was pleased to be able to text back this photo, saying, "Oh you mean THESE?"

Just breathtaking views on Snowdon, and so different from our BC landscape.

Indy and I at the summit of Snowdon.

The Most Wonderful (Tea) Time of the Year

Ah, the first week of November.  Some people find it dreary, depressing.  The clocks have turned back, the mornings are bleaker, the evenings darker.  But for some of us, for my people - the tea people - this is a very, very special time of year.  It means it's time for the

David's Tea

Advent Calendar to arrive.  24 days of little tiny tins of tea.  Delicious, delicious tea.

I know, I know.  I've said that

I don't need any more tea

, I have enough.  But as I pointed out to my friend Parm when she reminded me of this fact, this is an

advent

 calendar.  It's a

religious

item that I need to practice my...religion.  

MY RELIGION OF TEA LOVING!

Anyway, I hemmed and hawed about whether I should wait up until midnight to go online to order them off the David's Tea website (as I did last year), or go to the store on Water Street when it opened at 8.  

By 7:50 a.m. I was standing in front of the closed shop - and I wasn't the only one.  At 8 a.m. in we rushed.  I picked up four - one for myself, one for a co-worker who had requested it, and two extras. My friends Caitlin and Cathy are both tea freaks as well and I knew Cathy had been very disappointed to miss out on the calendars last year - and the clerk remarked as she was ringing me in that it looked like they were already sold out online.  I was glad I'd bought few backups - if Caitlin and Cathy didn't need them, I'd sell them off.   Good thing, too, because when I arrived at the office, laden with turquoise David's Tea bags, this is what my iPhone had to say:

We plan our attack.

After further strategizing, Caitlin decided to go into Brentwood Mall for the opening of the David's Tea there regardless, to see if she could procure her own, so we could free up one of my extras for someone else.  It was crowded, but she managed to get one.  RESULT!

Caitlin is triumphant.

So all in all, a successful 24 Days of Tea Day.  We've all got our calendars.  The kettle is on...how many days until December 1st?

So.  Much.  Tea.

Tea Party Challenge.

When I decided last year to go on a super-diet to lose some of the weight I've been carrying around for too long (a diet that is still in progress -

sigh

- will it ever end?), I gave up a few addictions, and picked up a new one: tea.  I can't snack, I gave up baking, so I figured, hey - why not drink tea?  The beautiful selections at David's Tea don't help matters - delicious, pretty and affordable.  I've always liked tea and picked up interesting varieties as I found them.  But, with shopping for most other items on hold until I finish my diet, I guess I felt like I needed to have

something

 to shop for, and somehow, one flavour followed another and pretty soon I had about 50 varieties of tea in my cupboard.  Yep, that's right, I said 50.  

Don't get me wrong, I am well aware of how ridiculous this is.  It feels kind of gross, actually, given how much I'm working on balance and authenticity in my life, in all respects, for me to have such a ridiculous stash of, well, stuff.   Here I am trying to focus on what I need in my life, what's valuable, and this curious little behaviour has been quietly causing mayhem in the background.  This tea is just another form of "stuff" that I buy to fill a void.  Same as Reese's peanut butter cups filled a void, at one time.   Same as obsessive running once filled a void.  I've always had an addictive personality, and while I've been trying to work on the emotions that cause those addictions, it's obvious I have a long ways to go on this journey towards my best self.  Sigh.  I feel discouraged at how much work I have done and how much work I still have to do.

Obviously I can't get enough.  Thanks, David's Tea.

The tea station at Casa Lemon.

Yeah, that's a lot of tea.

So, friends, readers, please help me turn my tea addiction into something positive:

You are cordially invited to tea 

at the home of

Danielle & Curriecat Lemon

That's right, you're invited for tea.  At my house.  Even if you think, "well, I don't know Dani that well, I just read her blog every once in a while," or, "we trade snarky comments on Twitter," or "we're really just Facebook friends," you are welcome.   Take me up on the invitation. Please.  Come over, we'll drink tea, or many teas, and it will be fun, or it will be weird, or it will be awkward.   Bring a friend.  Bring a couple of friends.  Let's turn my consumption into connection, and turn a negative behaviour into a positive one.  

Email me

and we'll figure out a time for you to come for tea.  Wear a hat if you want.  Bring your own special cup 

if you want.  But just show up.  Me and the tea will be waiting.

Special Guest Blog: In Which My Cousin Gets a Surprise in her Cheese.

Here is a rare guest blog from my cousin Sal.  It really speaks for itself.

Official photo file name, as saved by Sally: "WTF."

To Whom it May Concern:

Who doesn't like cheese? My boyfriend and I can't keep enough cheese in the house. So imagine our delight Sunday night when I cracked open a big brick of Lucerne Old Light cheddar, distributed, according to the packaging, from Calgary, to my Duncan, B.C. Safeway.

It was on sale from $11.80, or so, to $8.99. Not a bad deal at all! If there's one thing we like more than cheese, it's cheese on sale.

In any event, I cut off a chunk to further chop up for today's lunches, handed my boyfriend a second chunk to shred for tonight's dinner (tacos, if you wondered) and put the remainder back in the fridge.

It wasn't even two slices in that my knife bucked, hitting a hard object IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CHEESE.

WHAT THE HECK?

I like my cheese with crackers. I enjoy it with a sandwich or a good salad and, heck, I'll eat it on its own with no complaints. What I just yesterday learned, though, is that I do not care for PLASTIC CHUNKS OF GOD KNOWS WHAT lodged in my cheese. (see attached photos).

Naturally, I did what any younger sister would do in the circumstances. I called my big sister.

"Put it in the newspaper!" she said. I'm a reporter. People generally call me when things like this happen, and I write a public safety story and guilt big wigs like you into making it right.

But I don't really want to bring negative attention to Lucerne or to Safeway. I've grown up with both and do feel a sense of loyalty in that regard.

However, I am quite concerned and frankly uneasy now about what is going on at the factory where this cheese was made.

Lucerne Canada's own website notes that "Lucerne Foods utilizes its large base of experienced technical management from a cross section of major consumer product companies to keep quality and food safety at the forefront of our business."

Now, the quality of the plastic chunk in my cheese is up for debate, but I assure you to consume it is in no way safe. Had I (excuse the double entendre) cut the cheese a different way I may not have noticed the plastic piece until it was un my mouth and no doubt, breaking my teeth and/or gums.

Worse, my sister and her three young children (who coincidently also love cheese. It must be genetic) will be visiting this week and could have easily been the ones to eat that product. I shudder to think what that plastic piece would have done to their little teeth, mouths, and God forbid if they had choked.

No doubt you never intended to serve me plastic shards with my dairy... But you have. And it worries me deeply. Who else did you serve? Where's the remainder of whatever part this plastic broke free from? Has your factory noticed a piece of their machine is missing? Are people going to dull their good knives like I did, trying to slice through their food only to hit plastic?

So many questions.

And so I'd really like some answers. And a refund for my cheese. Because I can't in good conscience eat it now. I have the receipt, the plastic bit (and as a special bonus I've kept the cheese it was embedded in for you as well), and I have the remainder of the brick and what we shredded. I'm happy to turn it all over because I've completely lost faith in it being safe to eat.

Please do advise on Canada Post's cheese encased plastic mailing protocol.

I await your reply.

Sarah